Why Three-A-Day Status Updaters Are Terrible

Talk about overkill.  It doesn't take a therapist to know that these people's urge to update is a desperate attempt at receiving attention.  Nobody cares about what you made for dinner, your workout, the movie you're planning on watching or how bad your morning is going.  Especially all in one day.  And SWEET GOD, nobody cares about how much you love your baby.

"Can't imagine what I would do without my little guy.  He makes my sun shine and my world turn."  

I can't imagine what you'd be doing with your time if you weren't constantly sitting in front of a computer typing away about how much you love your toddler.  Playing with the kid, maybe.  Or you could be working out.  Just a suggestion.  I mean, you were the one who posted that picture of you in a bathing suit.  SEVEN TIMES.  Just sayin'.

The first rule of Facebook is that status updates should be reserved for sharing witty ruminations and funny observations.  Here's an update for you.  Get off of Facebook and go do something with your life.  And if you update about how excited you are for the new Twilight movie trailer or Dave concert I WILL de-friend you.

This just about sums it up..

Why Tattoos Are Terrible

Congratulations!  You thought yourself a big enough hardass to have a few needles poked into your skin.  And what's the reward?  You're a hardass turned dumbass, because that sucker is never coming off.  In case you didn't think you were trashy before, you've quite literally stamped it onto your body for everyone to see.  There is nothing sexy about a young lady with some stupid lyric tatted under her boob.  Because in 10 years you are not going to be a 21 year old, you are going to be a 31 year old.  And instead of looking 'different' you are going to look exactly the same as every other person at K-Mart.

And then there's the age old argument that the tattoo has a deeper meaning.  That it's sentimental.  "I got this tattoo of a wave when my ex-boyfriend died of a drug overdose."  Bull Shit.  You got that tattoo because you are an idiot.  If you want to honor some person or achievement then commission an honorary painting.  Hell, save the $200 you spent on that ugly ass flower on your hip and give a kid a scholarship.  You learned how to play guitar.  Cool.  Go play your little heart out.  DON"T get one permanently inked on your skin... Unless you want to look like you just got out of prison.

SNL has the right idea...

Why Twilight Obsessed Adults Are Terrible

I have read the first two books in the Twilight series.  And they're bad.  Baaaaad.  Any somewhat educated person is aware that littering the word 'masochist' throughout a novel does not make it a sophisticated piece of literature. 

But what's even worse than the ridiculous plot and awful prose are the adults who love Twilight.  I'm looking at you, 28 year old who attended the midnight premier showing of Eclipse.  You, my friend, are ridiculous.

This is a pre-teen novel at best.  Grow up, stop indulging in awful books and films intended for 12 year olds, and open up a nice biography or Hemingway tale so that you at least don't look like an idiot.  And while you're at it, stop telling your adult co-workers about your love for Edward, the ever-sparkling vampire, because you sound like a retard and everyone is judging the shit out of you.  Really.

This is awesomely hilarious...

 Also, see this: It explains the Twilight story exactly