Why Phil Collins is Terrible

What's even more audacious than the fact that Phil Collins thought enough of himself to branch away from Genesis to pursue a solo career? The fact that Phil Collins had a really successful solo career. I have a feeling I'm going to meet some resistance on this one but, I can feel it coming in the air tonight, hold on.  What exactly is it about Phil Collins that you are drawn towards?  His lovely high pitched voice? His awesome drumming skills (the ladies ALWAYS go for the drummer in the band!)?  His lack of hair, perhaps?

Let's begin with the obvious reasons Phil Collins is terrible.  I don't like the way he looks.  He couldn't reek of un-rock star any more than the soccer dads he so very much resembles.

Also, he's not American. Enough said.

If his awful looks and British humor alone aren't enough to convince you that ole Philly C is unbearable how about this one. His voice sucks. Who decided to make Phil Collins the front man for Christ's sake?   Whiny, borderline off pitch, bland. I'd rather listen to Katy Perry.  Also, he covered "You Can't Hurry Love"  Really? Really? There has been no bigger disservice to Diana Ross since Lil Kim decided to wear that purple sequined pantsuit to the 1999 VMAs.


If you check out Phil Collins on iTunes you will discover that Phil Collins' two most popular songs by a gross margin are 'In the Air Tonight' and 'You'll be in my Heart,' which was a song off of Disney's Tarzan soundtrack.  Who do you think you are, Phil? Elton John. Leave the Disney songs to E.J. and Julie Andrews. 

And listen to this terrifying statistic found on wikipedia.

According to Billboard, when his work with Genesis, his work with other artists, as well as his solo career is totaled, Collins has the most top 40 hits on the Billboard charts for the 1980s.

I know one thing.  Phil Collins had better be glad the 80's provided an era of music equally as shitty as his own.. otherwise P.C. wouldn't have stood a snowballs chance in hell.

A great comedian once said something along the lines of, "You know those right wing extremists, they believe everything in Genesis is true.. every word of it.  Personally, I don't think Phil Collins is that great of a drummer."  Personally, I wouldn't give two shits if Phil Collins was the best drummer in history.  I would still hate him.

Congratulations, Phil.  You made it to the majors.  You made it, 'Against All Odds.'  But to 'Strangers Like Me' it'll be 'Another Day in Paradise' when you finally gtf out of here.

Why Taylor Swift is Terrible

As if country music wasn't bad enough, in strolls young Taylor Swift sending tweens and adults alike into a frenzy that rivals that of only a Baptist Jesus revival.  Taylor Swift.  How someone with such a mediocre range, even worse lyrics and with such god-awful live performances (did you see her onstage with Stevie Nicks? Holy God) has managed such a level of success and recognition is much like the consistent ratings the George Lopez show receives, just another testament of how dumb America is.

All that aside though, she is a true role model to 13 year old's everywhere... reminding every brokenhearted kid out there that if they can write a shitty love poem they can make it in the music industry.  Seriously, how many times can one person acceptably squeeze the words 'princess' and 'fairytale' into songs? Isn't she like 20 years old? No 20 year old I know is that delusional.  Here is an example of just one song in which a fairytale is mentioned.  Be sure to note the complex content and really wonderful libretto.

Today was a fairytale

 I wore a dress

 You wore a dark grey T-shirt

 You told me I was pretty

When I looked like a mess

Today was a fairytale

This is an actual song that Tay-Tay performed on the Grammys. Wait. Didn't I? I think... I might have... heard a song really similar to this on Blues Clues once.  I could be wrong.  And yes, the music backing the song is just as terrible as the lyrics.  I cringe at the multitude of undiscovered Youtube artists who are more talented than you, Taylor Swift.  Like this girl.  And this boy.  And even this little guy.

To add to the list of annoying things that Taylor Swift does (did I mention how she attempts to be sexy by flinging her hair around onstage.. gah, just check out that 2010 Grammy performance with Stevie for a case-in-point) I must mention her insistence on calling out her famous ex-boyfriends in her radio songs.  Taylor, I understand that a rapper burst your bubble onstage once but you yourself are not Nas/Jay-Z, Tupac/Biggie, Easy or Dre.  It's not OK for you to mention your beefs in your songs.  The fashion in which you hate is not witty or gangster.  Cut out all the obviously personal BS.  Because you sound like a douche.

Maybe I'll start writing songs about stuff that happens to me on a daily basis... see if I can strike it big like T.S.

I was still in my pajamas when I got out of bed

At one pm only one thing was in my head

Scrambled eggs and bacon, what do I do?

I want it for myself but I should share it with you

Yes I feel hungover but it’s what I deserve

It’s happened before, when will I learn?

Too much vodka will make your head turn

(exchange scrambled eggs and bacon with ‘my crumbling heart’ and hungover with ‘stupid’ and vodka with ‘loving’ and you have your basic taylor-esque second verse)

Any song she’s ever written in her 5+ year music career could pass as a  12 year old's attempt at writing a song for a seventh grade class assignment.  A slow 12 year old, that is.

Taylor Swift is terrible.  And if you're an adult who enjoys listening to Taylor Swift then you're terrible too.