Why Three-A-Day Status Updaters Are Terrible

Talk about overkill.  It doesn't take a therapist to know that these people's urge to update is a desperate attempt at receiving attention.  Nobody cares about what you made for dinner, your workout, the movie you're planning on watching or how bad your morning is going.  Especially all in one day.  And SWEET GOD, nobody cares about how much you love your baby.

"Can't imagine what I would do without my little guy.  He makes my sun shine and my world turn."  

I can't imagine what you'd be doing with your time if you weren't constantly sitting in front of a computer typing away about how much you love your toddler.  Playing with the kid, maybe.  Or you could be working out.  Just a suggestion.  I mean, you were the one who posted that picture of you in a bathing suit.  SEVEN TIMES.  Just sayin'.

The first rule of Facebook is that status updates should be reserved for sharing witty ruminations and funny observations.  Here's an update for you.  Get off of Facebook and go do something with your life.  And if you update about how excited you are for the new Twilight movie trailer or Dave concert I WILL de-friend you.

This just about sums it up..

Why Tattoos Are Terrible

Congratulations!  You thought yourself a big enough hardass to have a few needles poked into your skin.  And what's the reward?  You're a hardass turned dumbass, because that sucker is never coming off.  In case you didn't think you were trashy before, you've quite literally stamped it onto your body for everyone to see.  There is nothing sexy about a young lady with some stupid lyric tatted under her boob.  Because in 10 years you are not going to be a 21 year old, you are going to be a 31 year old.  And instead of looking 'different' you are going to look exactly the same as every other person at K-Mart.

And then there's the age old argument that the tattoo has a deeper meaning.  That it's sentimental.  "I got this tattoo of a wave when my ex-boyfriend died of a drug overdose."  Bull Shit.  You got that tattoo because you are an idiot.  If you want to honor some person or achievement then commission an honorary painting.  Hell, save the $200 you spent on that ugly ass flower on your hip and give a kid a scholarship.  You learned how to play guitar.  Cool.  Go play your little heart out.  DON"T get one permanently inked on your skin... Unless you want to look like you just got out of prison.

SNL has the right idea...

Why Twilight Obsessed Adults Are Terrible

I have read the first two books in the Twilight series.  And they're bad.  Baaaaad.  Any somewhat educated person is aware that littering the word 'masochist' throughout a novel does not make it a sophisticated piece of literature. 

But what's even worse than the ridiculous plot and awful prose are the adults who love Twilight.  I'm looking at you, 28 year old who attended the midnight premier showing of Eclipse.  You, my friend, are ridiculous.

This is a pre-teen novel at best.  Grow up, stop indulging in awful books and films intended for 12 year olds, and open up a nice biography or Hemingway tale so that you at least don't look like an idiot.  And while you're at it, stop telling your adult co-workers about your love for Edward, the ever-sparkling vampire, because you sound like a retard and everyone is judging the shit out of you.  Really.

This is awesomely hilarious...

 Also, see this: It explains the Twilight story exactly

Why Adults In Beauty Pageants Are Terrible

Well what do you know? The Miss America 2011 talent competition winner was a clogger. Way to go, Miss North Carolina... even if you would have won that crown you'd still be a loser. And not just because you're a clogger, but because you're an adult who does beauty pageants.

Why Clogging is Terrible

5-6-7-8! Put on your red lipstick, it's clogging competition time! Could these people not afford ballet lessons or what?

Kids in the boonies, pissed off at the floor for whatever reason (probably because they have to wear those awful sequined blazers that make them look like old school Porter Wagner and curl their hair in 1980's style hot rollers) stomping the ground and kicking up an awful ruckus.

In addition to the tacky outfits, hair and the general nature of the people who clog, here's what is terrible about the dance. First, the most typical go-to clogging song is 'Cotton Eyed Joe' (the techno version!!) Second, there is little to no upper body movement in this form of dance. I use the term 'dance' lightly, as I feel clogging is mostly just kicking around with one's hands by their sides, behind their backs or on their hips, clap once or twice, keep kicking the ground. Repeat. Don't believe me? A super-quick Youtube search yielded this gem of a clogging duo.

WHY DO PEOPLE ENJOY DOING THIS? OR WATCHING IT? Cripes... I will never understand.

But I must admit, maybe this hatred stems from some sort of childhood subconscious jealousy that is only now, in my twenty's, becoming apparent. When I was a little girl I wanted to take dance so badly. Instead, I took music lessons. And thank god for that. Because what does 10 years of dance lessons get you? A shit-ton of sequined Lycra outfits you can never wear again, a father who resents having to go to your 10 hour long competitions and a hobby that's not cool anymore once you turn 14. Although, I'm sure it would be really awesome to own a pair of those shoes. If anyone has a spare pair lying around, and aren't too personally offended by this post, I would love to look into borrowing them. If only just to perfect my clogging impression. Click-click-click-click-click-click. CLAP!

Why Lilly Pulitzer is Terrible

College football season is among us.  You know what that means.  Bring on the cloned army of Slut Nation.  Not even a worn in pair of cowgirl boots and a deep side part screams "I'm a sorostitute!" as loudly as that hot pink and kelley green dress. I know school just started back and it's football season and you just wanted a chance to wear that new dress you got over the summer... but the color scheme of that shit would hardly even be appropriate in that Katy Perry candyland music video.

 Hey look! This is exciting! Pulitzer even makes sorority prints!  That's exactly what I need to set myself apart from the other sorority girls... As if my lettered mixer t-shirt, car sticker, nalgene and silver necklace pendant weren't enough to let people know that I'm a proud member of Kappa Gamma Zeta Delta. 

In case you didn't know, there are a few rules that one must abide by when wearing an LP dress.
 1) Pearls are the only acceptable jewelry item that can be worn with said dress.  A David Yurman ring may also be acceptable
2) Jack Rogers and/or Tory Burch sandals are the proper footwear for a Lilly Pulitzer dress
3) A lovely pastel headband always makes a great addition
4) Need a handbag? Try a Vineyard Vines monogrammed one!
5) If chilly, a pastel or argyle sweater should be brought along to keep the chill off of your delicate skin
6) After changing out of Lilly Pulitzer dress, a Ralph Lauren button-down blouse should be worn with jeans accompanied by Sperry Topsiders footwear.
7) If you actively do any of the aforementioned things you are either a huge cornball or a huge dooouuuucccchhhe.  I'm sorry, there's no way around it.  You needed to know.

Sorority sluts, it's time to reevaluate those wardrobes.  If you're going to drop two-fifty on a dress, how about thinking twice and picking up something that isn't printed in yellow and orange crabs, 'cause after last weekend's sexcapades with those two dudes in the same frat... you probably have 'em anyway.

Why Dave Matthews Fans are Terrible

You know the ones.  You've seen them in their concert t-shirts.  How could you not? They have like 23 of them because they get one at each concert they go to.  You've seen their ever-frequent status updates.  "Just scored tickets to Dave on Saturday!  So excited!" I've even seen some with tattoos.  What is that dancing girl supposed to symbolize anyway? I like the Allman Brothers Band more than any 22 year old girl should but I'm not going to have a peach tatted on my forearm.  Why? Because I'm not a retard.

Check out this whore.

I'm not sure if I can pinpoint why exactly Dave Matthews fans bother me so much.  It could be because they feel the need to talk about their old pal Dave so often or it could just be the sheer fact that the vast majority of Dave Matthews super-fans I've ever come in contact with are super-douches.  I've got news for ya, Dave Matthews super-fans.  No one except other Dave Matthews super-fans gives a shit about Dave Matthews.  I don't even hate Dave Matthews, but you and your unrelenting (and super annoying) adoration for a slightly above average artist is such a turnoff that I don't want to start liking Dave Matthews for fear that someone will mistake me for someone like you.  

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU"VE DONE?! Your love for Dave Matthews has pitted people against the one thing you love more than listening to Dave Matthews.  Dave Matthews!  Sacrilegious.  You should do us all a favor and throw yourself off of a cliff for such a crime to humanity.

Let's get some things straight.  Dave Matthews  is not your personal friend.  He has a last name.  And you should start using it when you refer to him.

Dave Matthews Band is not The Beatles.  He's alright. And that is all.  Yes, I know you like to think that Dave is so different and innovative.  You need to think again.  These days, Dave Matthews Band is sounding pretty much like any other band with a shit-ton of instruments including a brass section, a couple of token black dudes and a front man with kind of a weird voice.


There is no excuse in owning more than 4 or 5 CDs of any artist.  It's 2010 for Christ's sake... who even buys CD's anymore?  The fact that you spend roughly $12 on every Dave Matthews CD you've ever bought (spanning from the time that you were in the tenth grade of high school and you had this one friend who was really into Dave and and so you started listening to him too and they burned you a CD with "Crash Into Me" on it and you instantly fell in love and then you just knew that you could never stop listening because Dave Matthews is awesome I mean he is just so unique) is another testament as to why you're dumb; You know you own like 15 of his 46 albums, and that adds up to a lotta dough.  46 is not an exaggeration.  (Thanks Wikipedia!) And yes, I can agree that The Dave Matthews Band has a few good songs.  But with those odds (46 albums times 12 songs per album equates to roughly 552 songs)... I mean, really.. one or two songs are bound to appeal to the masses.

This is an intervention! There is other good music out there!  Please, for the love of God, will you play something besides Dave Matthews on this 3 hour drive.  Please, will you play something besides Dave Matthews on your guitar.  No one wants to listen to a 6 minute shitty acoustic version of "American Baby"... except of course for another Dave fan.

Ugh.  You people really put the 'ew' in Dave Matthews.

If you really want to hear an awesome Dave Matthews cover might I recommend this little gem.  Prepare yourself. 

And here are some particularly pleasant Urban Dictionary finds... I particularly like 1, 4, 7, 8, and 11.  And as far as the #10 description.. I guess I have NO musical taste whatsoever!

10.	Dave Matthews Band
	A truly talented band. People who are musically uneducated and narrow-minded tend to hate them. Many trash them without listening to their music. CD-recordings do them no justice, if you honestly want to hear all that is "DMB", attend a live concert. Carter, Leroi, and Boyd basically make the band, with Dave's voice topping the cake. Anyone that says they are talentless has no musical taste. There's a difference between not liking a band's music and thinking they suck. "Yo, Dave Matthews Band SUCKS man! I have NO musical taste whatsoever!"