Why Dave Matthews Fans are Terrible

You know the ones.  You've seen them in their concert t-shirts.  How could you not? They have like 23 of them because they get one at each concert they go to.  You've seen their ever-frequent status updates.  "Just scored tickets to Dave on Saturday!  So excited!" I've even seen some with tattoos.  What is that dancing girl supposed to symbolize anyway? I like the Allman Brothers Band more than any 22 year old girl should but I'm not going to have a peach tatted on my forearm.  Why? Because I'm not a retard.

Check out this whore.

I'm not sure if I can pinpoint why exactly Dave Matthews fans bother me so much.  It could be because they feel the need to talk about their old pal Dave so often or it could just be the sheer fact that the vast majority of Dave Matthews super-fans I've ever come in contact with are super-douches.  I've got news for ya, Dave Matthews super-fans.  No one except other Dave Matthews super-fans gives a shit about Dave Matthews.  I don't even hate Dave Matthews, but you and your unrelenting (and super annoying) adoration for a slightly above average artist is such a turnoff that I don't want to start liking Dave Matthews for fear that someone will mistake me for someone like you.  

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU"VE DONE?! Your love for Dave Matthews has pitted people against the one thing you love more than listening to Dave Matthews.  Dave Matthews!  Sacrilegious.  You should do us all a favor and throw yourself off of a cliff for such a crime to humanity.

Let's get some things straight.  Dave Matthews  is not your personal friend.  He has a last name.  And you should start using it when you refer to him.

Dave Matthews Band is not The Beatles.  He's alright. And that is all.  Yes, I know you like to think that Dave is so different and innovative.  You need to think again.  These days, Dave Matthews Band is sounding pretty much like any other band with a shit-ton of instruments including a brass section, a couple of token black dudes and a front man with kind of a weird voice.


There is no excuse in owning more than 4 or 5 CDs of any artist.  It's 2010 for Christ's sake... who even buys CD's anymore?  The fact that you spend roughly $12 on every Dave Matthews CD you've ever bought (spanning from the time that you were in the tenth grade of high school and you had this one friend who was really into Dave and and so you started listening to him too and they burned you a CD with "Crash Into Me" on it and you instantly fell in love and then you just knew that you could never stop listening because Dave Matthews is awesome I mean he is just so unique) is another testament as to why you're dumb; You know you own like 15 of his 46 albums, and that adds up to a lotta dough.  46 is not an exaggeration.  (Thanks Wikipedia!) And yes, I can agree that The Dave Matthews Band has a few good songs.  But with those odds (46 albums times 12 songs per album equates to roughly 552 songs)... I mean, really.. one or two songs are bound to appeal to the masses.

This is an intervention! There is other good music out there!  Please, for the love of God, will you play something besides Dave Matthews on this 3 hour drive.  Please, will you play something besides Dave Matthews on your guitar.  No one wants to listen to a 6 minute shitty acoustic version of "American Baby"... except of course for another Dave fan.

Ugh.  You people really put the 'ew' in Dave Matthews.

If you really want to hear an awesome Dave Matthews cover might I recommend this little gem.  Prepare yourself. 

And here are some particularly pleasant Urban Dictionary finds... I particularly like 1, 4, 7, 8, and 11.  And as far as the #10 description.. I guess I have NO musical taste whatsoever!

10.	Dave Matthews Band
	A truly talented band. People who are musically uneducated and narrow-minded tend to hate them. Many trash them without listening to their music. CD-recordings do them no justice, if you honestly want to hear all that is "DMB", attend a live concert. Carter, Leroi, and Boyd basically make the band, with Dave's voice topping the cake. Anyone that says they are talentless has no musical taste. There's a difference between not liking a band's music and thinking they suck. "Yo, Dave Matthews Band SUCKS man! I have NO musical taste whatsoever!"

Why Phil Collins is Terrible

What's even more audacious than the fact that Phil Collins thought enough of himself to branch away from Genesis to pursue a solo career? The fact that Phil Collins had a really successful solo career. I have a feeling I'm going to meet some resistance on this one but, I can feel it coming in the air tonight, hold on.  What exactly is it about Phil Collins that you are drawn towards?  His lovely high pitched voice? His awesome drumming skills (the ladies ALWAYS go for the drummer in the band!)?  His lack of hair, perhaps?

Let's begin with the obvious reasons Phil Collins is terrible.  I don't like the way he looks.  He couldn't reek of un-rock star any more than the soccer dads he so very much resembles.

Also, he's not American. Enough said.

If his awful looks and British humor alone aren't enough to convince you that ole Philly C is unbearable how about this one. His voice sucks. Who decided to make Phil Collins the front man for Christ's sake?   Whiny, borderline off pitch, bland. I'd rather listen to Katy Perry.  Also, he covered "You Can't Hurry Love"  Really? Really? There has been no bigger disservice to Diana Ross since Lil Kim decided to wear that purple sequined pantsuit to the 1999 VMAs.


If you check out Phil Collins on iTunes you will discover that Phil Collins' two most popular songs by a gross margin are 'In the Air Tonight' and 'You'll be in my Heart,' which was a song off of Disney's Tarzan soundtrack.  Who do you think you are, Phil? Elton John. Leave the Disney songs to E.J. and Julie Andrews. 

And listen to this terrifying statistic found on wikipedia.

According to Billboard, when his work with Genesis, his work with other artists, as well as his solo career is totaled, Collins has the most top 40 hits on the Billboard charts for the 1980s.

I know one thing.  Phil Collins had better be glad the 80's provided an era of music equally as shitty as his own.. otherwise P.C. wouldn't have stood a snowballs chance in hell.

A great comedian once said something along the lines of, "You know those right wing extremists, they believe everything in Genesis is true.. every word of it.  Personally, I don't think Phil Collins is that great of a drummer."  Personally, I wouldn't give two shits if Phil Collins was the best drummer in history.  I would still hate him.

Congratulations, Phil.  You made it to the majors.  You made it, 'Against All Odds.'  But to 'Strangers Like Me' it'll be 'Another Day in Paradise' when you finally gtf out of here.

Why Taylor Swift is Terrible

As if country music wasn't bad enough, in strolls young Taylor Swift sending tweens and adults alike into a frenzy that rivals that of only a Baptist Jesus revival.  Taylor Swift.  How someone with such a mediocre range, even worse lyrics and with such god-awful live performances (did you see her onstage with Stevie Nicks? Holy God) has managed such a level of success and recognition is much like the consistent ratings the George Lopez show receives, just another testament of how dumb America is.

All that aside though, she is a true role model to 13 year old's everywhere... reminding every brokenhearted kid out there that if they can write a shitty love poem they can make it in the music industry.  Seriously, how many times can one person acceptably squeeze the words 'princess' and 'fairytale' into songs? Isn't she like 20 years old? No 20 year old I know is that delusional.  Here is an example of just one song in which a fairytale is mentioned.  Be sure to note the complex content and really wonderful libretto.

Today was a fairytale

 I wore a dress

 You wore a dark grey T-shirt

 You told me I was pretty

When I looked like a mess

Today was a fairytale

This is an actual song that Tay-Tay performed on the Grammys. Wait. Didn't I? I think... I might have... heard a song really similar to this on Blues Clues once.  I could be wrong.  And yes, the music backing the song is just as terrible as the lyrics.  I cringe at the multitude of undiscovered Youtube artists who are more talented than you, Taylor Swift.  Like this girl.  And this boy.  And even this little guy.

To add to the list of annoying things that Taylor Swift does (did I mention how she attempts to be sexy by flinging her hair around onstage.. gah, just check out that 2010 Grammy performance with Stevie for a case-in-point) I must mention her insistence on calling out her famous ex-boyfriends in her radio songs.  Taylor, I understand that a rapper burst your bubble onstage once but you yourself are not Nas/Jay-Z, Tupac/Biggie, Easy or Dre.  It's not OK for you to mention your beefs in your songs.  The fashion in which you hate is not witty or gangster.  Cut out all the obviously personal BS.  Because you sound like a douche.

Maybe I'll start writing songs about stuff that happens to me on a daily basis... see if I can strike it big like T.S.

I was still in my pajamas when I got out of bed

At one pm only one thing was in my head

Scrambled eggs and bacon, what do I do?

I want it for myself but I should share it with you

Yes I feel hungover but it’s what I deserve

It’s happened before, when will I learn?

Too much vodka will make your head turn

(exchange scrambled eggs and bacon with ‘my crumbling heart’ and hungover with ‘stupid’ and vodka with ‘loving’ and you have your basic taylor-esque second verse)

Any song she’s ever written in her 5+ year music career could pass as a  12 year old's attempt at writing a song for a seventh grade class assignment.  A slow 12 year old, that is.

Taylor Swift is terrible.  And if you're an adult who enjoys listening to Taylor Swift then you're terrible too.